On January 27, the WWE Network presents its annual Royal
Rumble pay-per-view, live from Chase Field (yes, a baseball field) in Phoenix,
AZ. There are nine matches on this card, with two of them, of course, being
Royal Rumble matches (one for the men, one for the women) themselves. This is
the beginning of the Road to WrestleMania. Let’s look at the
match-ups…
KICKOFF SHOW: RUSEV (C) VS. SHINSUKE
NAKAMURA, FOR THE UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP (SMACKDOWN)
THE STORY: Despite
automatic rematches no longer being a thing in WWE (for now), this is Shinsuke
Nakamura’s automatic rematch for the United States Championship that he lost on
Rusev Day (aka Christmas Day, aka actually Rusev’s birthday, aka the most Rusev
Day of all Rusev Days).
PREDICTION: Rusev
retains, probably on the Kickoff Show, unfortunately. But it should be a fun
match—their match where Rusev defeated Nakamura for the title was amazing
and a good way to close out 2018.
KICKOFF SHOW: BUDDY MURPHY (C) VS. HIDEO
ITAMI VS. AKIRA TOZAWA VS. KALISTO, IN A FATAL 4-WAY MATCH FOR THE
CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP (205 LIVE)
THE STORY: The
past few weeks on 205 Live, there has been a tournament to determine who would
be in this Fatal 4-Way match against “The Juggernaut” Buddy Murphy. He wanted a
challenge, and now he definitely has it against one-third of the Lucha House
Party—and in a 4-Way, it’s no DQ so Lucha House Rules could reappear at any
moment—a former Cruiserweight Champion, and a man who very much wants respect
and seemingly nothing else.
PREDICTION: “The
Juggernaut” will find a way to outsmart and overcome this challenge, especially
when you consider Itami—the other favorite to win—will probably be too busy
screaming “RESPECT ME!” to focus on getting the win. You’ve gotta keep your
head on a swivel during these multi-person matches.
THE BAR (C) VS. THE MIZ & SHANE MCMAHON
THE STORY: After
Shane McMahon (ugh) won the Best in the World tournament (ugh) and trophy (ugh)
at WWE [REDACTED] (hey, they’re the ones refusing to say its name after the
fact)—after he filled in for a too-hurt-to-compete (ugh) Miz—The Miz decided
that he and Shane are co-holders of the “Best in the World” title. Because this
is WWE and friendships are for jerks, a lot of this story is just the hilarious
idea that Miz and Shane are a sitcom married couple. (And Miz is, of course,
the too-good-for-him sitcom wife.) Oh, and The Bar are the Smackdown Tag Team
Champions.
PREDICTION: The
Miz and Shane McMahon are going to win because as good as SmackDown’s tag team
division actually is, this is still WWE.
ASUKA (C) VS. BECKY LYNCH, FOR THE
SMACKDOWN WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP (SMACKDOWN)
THE STORY: “The
Man” Becky Lynch lost her SmackDown Women’s Championship at the TLC
pay-per-view, thanks to an assist (in the form of a ladder push) from RAW
Women’s Champion Ronda Rousey. But she was able to earn her rematch by
defeating Charlotte Flair (basically her favorite hobby at this point) and
Carmella in a Triple Threat.
PREDICTION: Asuka
wins and Becky enters the women’s Royal Rumble. Becky then wins the women’s
Royal Rumble and challenges Ronda Rousey for the RAW Women’s Championship at
WrestleMania. Everyone cheers. Well, maybe not Charlotte, but Asuka gets to
keep her title and Becky gets to win the Rumble.
DANIEL BRYAN (C) VS. AJ STYLES, FOR THE WWE
CHAMPIONSHIP (SMACKDOWN)
THE STORY: Daniel
Bryan cares about the Earth and the people, and AJ Styles doesn’t. For some
reason, Bryan is the one that’s booed. Because the WWE Universe is FICKLE, just
like Styles and Vince McMahon and—you get the picture. But Styles has also
found his RUTHLESS AGGRESSION or whatever, and now he’s going to try and win
the WWE Championship back. Even though Styles’ run as WWE Championship proves
nothing good happens when he lets his emotions drive him like this.
PREDICTION: Daniel
Bryan retains, and AJ Styles proves himself to truly be FICKLE. FICKLE. FICKLE.
And just to make matters worse for Styles, he doesn’t pull a Becky and enter
the men’s Royal Rumble. He’ll just be a complete loser this night.
BROCK LESNAR (C) VS. FINN BALOR, FOR THE
UNIVERSAL CHAMPIONSHIP (RAW)
THE STORY: Stop
me if you’ve heard this one before, but Finn Balor was the first-ever Universal
Championship. He had to relinquish the title the following night on Monday
Night RAW, but it’s true. And now, with the power of Balor Club behind him,
he’s taking on “The Beast” to become the champion again. You know who doesn’t
like that? Braun Strowman, who was supposed to be facing Lesnar in this match
(after he defeated Baron Corbin at TLC) but screwed that all up by ruining
Vince McMahon’s limo that didn’t even exist before Strowman destroyed it.
PREDICTION: Hehe.
Please. Brock Lesnar. Strowman honestly might interfere in anger, but
regardless, the outcome is Brock Lesnar retaining.
RONDA ROUSEY (C) VS. SASHA BANKS, FOR THE
RAW WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP (RAW)
The story: Well, this all started as a matter of
respect. Now it’s more about Sasha proving she really is “The Boss” and that
Ronda’s not the only one who can tap women in the WWE out. Oh, and also there
are some Four Horsewomen vs. Four Horsewomen hostilities brewing.
PREDICTION: As
much as Sasha Banks deserves to be on top again, Ronda is just unstoppable
right now. It would sure as hell be one way to kick start the Road to WrestleMania
if Sasha won though.
30-WOMAN ROYAL RUMBLE, FOR A GUARANTEED
RAW/SMACKDOWN WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA
THE STORY: It’s
the Royal Rumble match, but it’s the women’s version. Over the top rope and all
that jazz.
PREDICTION: I
already predicted Becky Lynch and the scenario. But it’s possible it’s
Charlotte as well. Or it’s someone who will leave an opening for a Rousey match
at WrestleMania because they’ll just go for Asuka’s title.
30-MAN ROYAL RUMBLE, FOR A GUARANTEED
UNIVERSAL/WWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA
THE STORY: It’s
the Royal Rumble match, but it’s the men’s version. Over the top rope and all
that jazz, once again.
PREDICTION: Well,
R-Truth is coming in at #30, so obviously he obviously has the highest chance
to win. Actually, no—that’s actually patently false when it comes to the Royal
Rumble. But you might’ve heard Seth Rollins is “The Kingslayer.” Now he’s going
to win the Rumble and go on to WrestleMania to become “The Beastmaster.” (He’ll
at least be in the final four.)
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